Why "Positive Vibes Only" only masks your unhappiness

and what to focus on instead

How do you stay positive all of the time?

You don't

Some people will try very hard to "stay positive" all of the time. The whole "positive vibes only" thing is twisted into a sort of mantra for never allowing anything negative to creep into your mind or be in your energy…

And that's not only unrealistic....

but also keeps those emotions trapped in your subconscious — buried deep— in the shadows...

where they continue to manifest in your physical reality and you wonder why despite your positive mantras and positive thinking, the same patterns of what you don't want continue to perpetuate. Because you haven't addressed them, you have pushed them away, but they're still there living in your subconscious.

When we bring things to light and observe them from a place of curiosity, that's when they no longer have power over us. They are no longer a program running in the background, we see them now, we are experiencing awareness.

and awareness is the first step towards change.

As the gentle observer, you can recognize the pattern for what it is--a pattern of thoughts that re-create a pattern of behavior that recreates results in your physical environment.

Accept the pattern for what it is

Play detective: What does this pattern do for me? What need is being met in this pattern? What is the benefit here?

Example:

Pattern: I always have just enough to pay my bills at the last minute, but not more than that. There is no excess money.

Benefit: I get an adrenaline rush and excitement from scrambling to make ends meet. It's a race to the finish line to pay the bills before they become overdue. I always win, but I really cut it close down to the deadline. I prove to myself each month that I can get scrappy and pull it off and that makes me feel proud of what I can do in crunch time.

Example:

Pattern: I lose the weight, but whenever I get to a certain number on the scale or a certain dress size, and I feel momentum towards my health goal, I regain the weight almost immediately. I self sabotage by binge eating, or something always come up to get in the way of exercising. It's like right before I reach my goal, I go right back to square one.

Benefit: Feeling overweight helps me hide. When I feel overweight, I wear clothing that "hides" my body. This keeps me from being noticed by men, and keeps away any unwanted attention. This keeps me safe.

Example:

Pattern: I'm always broke. Even though I am so sick of being broke, I just can't seem to get ahead no matter how hard I work. The money always seems to slip right out of my hands--an unexpected bill in the mail, my car breaks down, a party that I've got to buy a gift for, etc. I earn the money, it comes in and goes right back out. I can never seem to "get ahead".

Benefit: Being broke allows me to rely on the generosity of others. When I have to rely on others, they take care of me. I am taken care of. I enjoy being taken care of.

Example:

Pattern: I always seem to attract the kind of partner who "needs saving". At first, they seem great! But then, after some time it becomes evident that they are a hot mess. And I am left to clean up the pieces and take care of them. I cover for them, lend them money, make excuses for their behavior and allow them to use me. I hate repeating this pattern but I don't know what else to do and I've lost trust in ever finding someone good for me.

Benefit: When I'm with people who are a hot mess, I help them. I take care of them. They need me. And I enjoy feeling needed. I enjoy being the heroine, the martyr and the savior. It's noble and makes me feel like I'm a good person by sacrificing my own needs for the sake of others.

This is the ego at work--feeding itself. The thing is, the subconscious cannot distinguish between "good" and "bad" as our conscious mind labels it. So even if consciously you think this pattern is "bad" for you....on a subconscious level you are receiving a benefit from the pattern..in a way, you have a need that is being fulfilled.

Let me say this: PLEASE REMEMBER THIS OBSERVATION IS NOT FROM A PLACE OF BLAME AND SHAME, but rather a place of gentle curiosity—a place of bringing something into the light so that you can decide to either accept it as is, or change it.

So here is my advice: instead of "How do I stay positive all of the time", I'd rather you ask: "How do I stay PRESENT as much as I can"?

How do I keep from going unconscious into the patterns?

You stay present.

One way to stay present and not get caught up in the ego's patterns:

BE the gentle observer.

Anytime you slip into a train of thought where you are thinking about the past or playing a movie about the future--catch yourself! and just observe. Observe what thoughts popped into your mind (no judgement) and just find them interesting.

You may ask yourself something like this:

Hmm, that's interesting. I just started thinking about XYZ, and I started to feel angry. I started to daydream about a future encounter with that person and all the things I would say or do to them. Interesting....What brought that up? What does this little movie I'm directing in my mind do for me? What does this anger feeling do for me? What is it feeding right now?

Be still for the answer

Your answer will be unique to you

For me, sometimes the anger makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel like I am "in control" or even sometimes it just makes things dramatic and exciting--fulfilling my need for variety because I feel bored.

Just gently observe what the emotion is doing for you--how it's feeding your ego in some way.

The more you practice this observing....the more you stay conscious....the more you stay PRESENT. You are less and less of a slave to your ego and more in connection with your inner being and source. (God, universe, infinite intelligence--whatever you call it)

Your power, your connection to source is here in the present. Joy, love, manifesting power can come through in the present. When we allow our mind to wander to the past or worry about the future, we allow the ego to feed on the familiar stories of resentment, fear, anxiety etc and those patterns just continue.

But when we quiet our mind, and stop that train of thought by focusing on the present, being in stillness....we take back control from the ego mind. We are able to just BE.

And so, I say--rather than "How do I stay positive all the time"

I would practice "Staying PRESENT, as much as I can"

Love, Jana

To catch episode 7 of my weekly video series, Clarity & Confidence: Why "Positive Vibes Only" only masks your unhappiness and what to focus on instead.